Old Ghosts
by Ansy Pansy aka Panz
Summary: Kirsten P.O.V. at the end of “The Lonely Hearts Club” 11 shots, some better than others, exploring her thoughts on Sandy, Rebecca and herself. My first fanfic, please take a look!
1. Play

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Hey, this is my first fanfic so please take a look and review if you have time, thanks!

**Summary: **Kirsten P.O.V. at the end of "The Lonely Hearts Club"  
11 shots that I randomly wrote all together one night, some are better than others  
Eg. 1st one isn't that great (a not so clever play on the word play!) so I posted the 2nd shot as well

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the O.C. obviously!  
Also some parts mayhave similar ideas to other Kirsten/Kandy fics, this was not intentional, I guess I've just been influenced by all the good writers on here. Credit and apologies go to the original writers.

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Old Ghosts

Play

Last year we fought on Valentine's Day.

What is it about my favourite and his least favourite holiday?

What is it about my husband and women with names beginning with R?

Last year Rachel, now Rebecca.

Rebecca.

God I hate that woman. Manipulative bitch. I can't believe Sandy doesn't see right through her.

She's playing him and he's playing straight into her hands.

But when she's playing with Sandy, she's playing with me and my marriage and that is one hell of a dangerous game.

Kirsten Cohen can play dirty when she likes and she always plays to win.


	2. Which Sandy Cohen?

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The 2nd shot, where things (or rather, Kirsten's thoughts) get a bit more interesting, deeper. Please review, I'd love to know what you think!

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Old Ghosts

Which Sandy Cohen?

What has she got that I don't?

What is it that makes him drop everything, drop me, for her?

She's beautiful, vivacious, charismatic, intelligent…

I guess I can lay claim to some of those, at least if I listen to Sandy. My husband, who abandoned me for his old flame, who

said he'd "be right back" and was out till morning. In my heart of hearts I know why he went, what it is that draws him in,

it's not only her game of cat and mouse. It's guilt and the infamous what if?

Rebecca is the only part of his past he didn't turn his back on, the only regret, the only unfinished business.

She is mystery, intrigue and what could have been.

She takes him back to the better parts of his old life, to the old Sandy Cohen, to the man, the boy, he used to be.

Not Sandy Cohen, husband of Kirsten Cohen, not Caleb Nichol's hated son-in-law, not the man who lives in a multi-million

pound mansion and sold out to Partridge Savage and Khan.

With her he's the Sandy Cohen who is going to save the world, the impulsive, idealistic, zany, goofy, wild, crazy-dreamer

Sanford Cohen.

That's the man he used to be, the man she fell in love with, the man I fell in love with.

But although he's still all of those things he's not that man anymore. Rebecca doesn't know him, I do, I love him and I want

him back.


	3. Escape

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Thanks to ally and Natalie for reviewing, you rock!  
Yeah the first shot was a bit short, mebbe I'll expand on it in another fic, the rest of the shots are all longer in varying degrees!

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Old Ghosts

Escape

He's changed since then, he changed for me. I know sometimes he hates it but I did think we were happy.

It hurts that I've forced him to change and now he's trying to escape.

>

Face it Kirsten, Sandy's right, he is the only thing that stops you being a sell-out, stops you being the complete Newpsie.

Sandy is the only thing, the most important thing, but the only.

>

Really? I know I live the life but am I really? I've always thought I wasn't a Newpsie, there's more to me than that, isn't

there? I work, I have a brain, I have a conscience, I do more than sit around planning charity events, gossiping and spa-

hopping, I have Sandy, Seth, Ryan, I'm different. But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps that's not enough.

When did it happen, when did I stop pretending?

Maybe he's right, maybe I am. Maybe that's why Sandy's not here; Rebecca's real, I'm a fake.

>

I wasn't always this way, well I was in the beginning; born to it; Newport Royalty.

But that's not who I really was, at college I found myself, or rather, I found Sandy.

He's more myself than I am, he's the real me, he was, is, my escape.

I just don't want Rebecca to be Sandy's.

>

I could never escape Newport, it dragged me back into its perfect bubble and I dragged Sandy in too.

Not Caleb that time, but cancer.

My mother could handle my father but not the cancer. I had to go, my mother was dying, I just didn't intend to stay.

But there was dad. He had his claws out, I didn't have the strength to fight, mom was gone, Sandy didn't think I needed

saving, it was my own father for Christ's sake.

So he caught me, cajoled me, trapped me in his web, his empire, Caleb Nichol controls Newport Beach, he controls me.

He made it harder to leave. Hell! It didn't seem to matter at the time. Sandy was happy; he was either surfing or working,

my dad was alone, we had a small child, a giant mortgage, the job seemed a good idea. I gave in. I fell into the trap, back

into my old life.

I changed, reverted I guess, the only difference is Sandy.

>

I'm Kirsten Cohen, not the Kirsten Cooper everyone expected, dad planned for, that's my single kick back at the society

that's has claimed me since birth.


	4. Saviour

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Yay! More reviews, my new favourite thing! Thanks to LDee (I love your fics) and Little Miss Kiki (I can't wait to read yours!)  
I'm gonna be updating pretty often as I want to get the whole fic posted before Wed when I have to go to school and be bereft of for 9 whole days! (they block it, grrr)

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Old Ghosts

Saviour

>

I can't go back now, I've changed. I'm not the woman I was twenty years ago. Rebecca is, that's what's interesting.

But Sandy isn't the same man he was then, for better or for worse. I've loved both of them.

>

Sandy is flirting with the past, Rebecca is living in it, is it. God I want her to be in the past, oh that she'd stayed there.

Old ghosts that wipe twenty years of marriage from your husband's head are never welcome.

>

Twenty years have passed since then, twenty years with me, our life, our son, our sons.

What is it with Sandy and criminals?

I'm not calling Ryan a criminal, (God forbid I ever sound that much like Julie Cooper-Nichol) he's my son and I love him,

but Sandy did meet him in juvie, and Rebecca is a suspected terrorist.

>

It's his hero complex. Sandy saves people, that's what he does. Ryan, Seth, Jimmy, Caleb, the list goes on. He almost

saved me from my inevitable life here but cancer and Caleb put paid to that. He fights that fight every day, he's stayed here,

with me. He saves me from completely going over to the dark side. (Listen to me, I sound like Seth!)

>

I know why he has to save her, I understand, I do, I just don't want him to let me go in the process.


	5. Jump

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Hey, here's another speedy update! (NB. this is not likely to happen with anything else I write so enjoy it while it lasts!)  
It's only because it's all already written!  
Oooh thanks for your review T.I.G. and for your comments. They are rather short shots I've realised but I probably won't be making the rest any longer because I don't want to change them, sorry peeps, but I might extend on some ideas in different fics and they'll be longer.

Thanks for reading and keep reviewing, it makes my day lol!

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Old Ghosts

Jump

I have to deal with it right?

We've both got pasts, history, people we were meant to marry.

Jimmy.

Rebecca.

But I was never meant to marry Jimmy, not in the soul-mate sense, only in the eyes of society, of my father. I was meant to be with Sandy, to marry Sandy, to love Sandy.

But Rebecca?

Why do I find it so hard to let her go?

>

I should, Sandy managed with Jimmy. He hated the guy, hated him as a boy, his lazy trust-fund-will-fix-it attitude, his ease

at the whole ex-boyfriend thing, his jealousy, the fact that he kissed me.

He had a right to, the guy still held a candle for me, but he got over it, they became _friends_. But there's just no way I can

see Rebecca and I sitting down for coffee any time soon, any time, ever.

She's the one causing all the problems, she is doing this to me and she knows it. She has Sandy on a string and she's

jerking it pretty hard.

>

Jump Sandy, jump! How high will you jump for me Sandy?

And he does it; he stops and leaves to jump through her damn hoops.

>

I guess I'm just being selfish and spoilt; I'm used to having Sandy to myself.

I don't deserve him; I spend my time jumping (never high enough in dad's opinion) for my father.

I admit it, I jump so high I move out of time with Sandy. But every time, he's there, jumping through my hoops without me

even asking, catching me when I fall.

>

Insulting father-in-law

Jump

>

Jealous ex-boyfriend

Jump

>

Dying mother-in-law

Jump

>

Move to Newport

Jump

>

Grieving wife

Jump

>

Scheming father-in-law

Jump

>

Jealous ex-boyfriend

Jump

>

Newport lifestyle

Jump

>

Overworking wife

Jump

>

Overbearing father-in-law

Jump

>

Friendless, lonely son

Jump

>

Newport Social life

Jump

>

Ex-boyfriend kissing your wife

Jump

>

Stressed, overly-suspicious wife

Jump

>

Everything he's done and I'm so pathetic.

I trust him, I do, it just shouldn't be this hard.

The three R's, they're my fences, first Ryan, (and I wouldn't have it any other way now) then Rachel, (we made it, it made

us stronger, made us make time) now Rebecca.

>

Jump Kirsten

I'm just afraid to ask how high.


	6. One word, five letters, one man

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Wow, more reviews! I will reward you with the third chapter of the day!  
Thanks for your compliments ally and kirstencohen, v. happy now!  
Have actually started another fic (naughty - I have a German exam paper to do!) but this time I'm actually thinking about it rather than scribbling it down so it might be less poetic, or not...we'll see!

Review again soon and I'll be back!

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Old Ghosts

One word, five letters, one man

It was easy for him; he had no reason to doubt me.

Oh God, I'm doubting my husband. I'm doubting my husband?

No, I just…

I let Jimmy go long ago, I mean things were over long before he cheated on me, got Julie pregnant and I met Sandy.

We went to different colleges, I didn't go home for months, we didn't visit, we hardly talked, it was a high school romance,  
it was over.

>

I don't know why Jimmy held on, I don't mean to sound a bitch, but that's all it was.

The ex-thing wasn't an issue. I had Sandy, nothing more to be said.

That's my world, everything I need, one word, five letters, one man; S-A-N-D-Y.

>

Rebecca however, is another matter. They never said goodbye, there wasn't closure, just question, speculation and twenty

years of not knowing and not having any answers or reasons why.

That has to mean something doesn't it?

The uncertainties, the question marks stopping her being let go.

>

This is crazy.

Rebecca Bloom is not a threat. Repeat. Rebecca Bloom is not a threat.

But she is.

She could destroy my marriage, she could destroy me.

Perhaps that's what she wants, she doesn't just want to take Sandy but destroy me. And it would, I don't function without Sandy, I don't sleep.

That's why I'm still up, it's 3am and I'm being neurotic and cynical and paranoid.


	7. Afraid

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Hello! Here's a double post of two shots to say thanks for all the reviews, Jen, T.I.G., CynthiaB and beachtree.  
As for the formatting - I like leaving lines between thoughts and stuff for some reason, however won't let me so I have to put >'s in, so that's why they're there!

Thanks for all the comments, they've spurred me into action with my new song-fic! Keep them up!

Panz x

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Old Ghosts

Afraid

What is there to be afraid of?

She's a woman in her forties who's spent the last twenty years on the run. She has no family, no friends, no one to turn to

but Sandy. (So you should be more compassionate Kirsten)

Because that's what people do, they turn to Sandy for help and Sandy saves them.

>

Having Sandy, that's what I'm afraid of.

Does she have his love?

She's only his first love, the proper Jewish girl that he was engaged to.

That he was meant to marry.

Before she blew up the facility and disappeared without a trace.

Before he met me.

Kirsten Nichol, the complete antithesis to Rebecca Bloom.

Blonde/Brunette

Christian/Jewish

Rich/Poor

Tanned/Pale

West/East

Both tied to the same man.

>

But I have ties of marriage, of love, hers are…old love, twenty years of dreams.

He married me.

He chose me.

He. Loves. Me.

So why am I thinking this? I can't help it.

Was I the second best?

His second choice?

Did he only marry me because Rebecca wasn't there? She was gone.

She his law professor and mentor's daughter, he her father's favourite student; a match made in heaven, or whatever is the

Jewish equivalent. (I'm rambling, the Cohen family trait, Seth and Sandy have a lot to answer for!)

>

In his moments of bitterness at Newport does his mind wander to her?

How often does he think how different his life could have been?

Does it hit him every morning, what if…?

I hope not, without Sandy I wouldn't be Kirsten Cohen, there would be no Seth, no Ryan, Sandy makes my world,

completes it, Rebecca could shatter it.


	8. Love Of His Life

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Ok, this one is very short but I'll be posting again later!

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Old Ghosts

Love of his life

She's only the woman who may or may not have been the love of his life.

That hurt, when he didn't contradict me.

I don't know whether it was foolish to think it, but I'd always kind of assumed I was the love of Sandy's life.

He is mine, we're married

I never thought I'd have to fight ghosts for his affection.

>

She may have been his first love but that's all she's going to be.

They may have been meant to marry but they never found out.

She will not be the love of his life.

>

Sandy and I are together for a reason.

I'm Kirsten Cohen for a reason and I'm not about to give up that privilege.

Rebecca is twenty years too late.


	9. Love Hurts

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Yesterday the server for my login page went down so I couldn't post. Consequently I will treat you all to the last 3 shots and two other fics if you care to read them!

Keep up the fabby reviews, I hope to hear from you before I have to leave 4 school on Wed! However, if you're _very_ lucky I may finish another song fic next week and go to the nearby designer outlet where I canput it on It's your call!

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Old Ghosts

Love Hurts

I always thought Sandy would never do anything to hurt me.

He always tries to protect me; sometimes it just ends up hurting anyway, that's not his fault. Usually when the secrets, the

lies come out, it hurts most; Lindsay being my sister, Rebecca being alive; the fact he knew and didn't tell me gets me mad.

But now there isn't a secret, no lies, so far.

>

I know where he is. He went to say goodbye, and, if I know Sandy, to try and persuade her not to go.

But that wouldn't take this long. If only he'd call, admit he is passing me up for her, tell me why, let me know that despite

everything he remembers me, Kirsten Cohen, his _wife_, waiting for him at home. Just reassure me that he hasn't forgotten,

that he's not too far away, not twenty years away. That he loves me.

>

It's not intentional, I know. He's not trying to hurt me but he has. He'll say he wasn't thinking, but he knew, he was

conscious, he was aware of the time. He knew we had reservations, that I was waiting. I made an effort, I forgave him, I

dressed up, I was ready to remind him why he married me, I wanted him…and he left.

Did Rebecca want him more?

>

It says something to me when your husband chooses his long-lost love rather than you on Valentine's. Your very favourite

holiday because it celebrates love.

Right now, love hurts.


	10. He Loves Me

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Read on Macduff!

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Old Ghosts

He Loves Me  


But he loves me. My husband loves me.

He tells me every day, throughout the day, I lose track; the whispers, the greetings, the little notes on the mirror, in my files,

the phone calls, the sighs when we make love, the murmurs when we're half asleep…

Why am I saying it like this?

Listing, justifying.

I _know_ he loves me, I feel it. It's in his eyes, his caress, his kisses, his gestures, the little things; when he plays with my hair,

when he reaches for me in his sleep, when he puts his hand in the small of my back, letting me know he's there.

He's always there.

(So where is he now?)

He always comes home, no matter how late it is, he always comes.

(So why is it morning?)

He loves me.

(So why am I worried?)


	11. I'm Sorry And I Love You Isn't Enough

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And the last...

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Old Ghosts

I'm sorry and I love you isn't enough  


I've just shut the door in my husband's face.

Closed it so I couldn't see the apologetic eyes, eyes that say everything.

The sorrow for causing me pain

_sorrysorrysorryinevermeanttobegonethislong_

The begging

_pleaseforgivemepleasepleaseforgiveme_

The apology

_imsorryimsorryimsorry_

The worry

_kirsten?kirsten?saysomething…anything_

The defeat

_iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_

_>_

I didn't want to see those eyes, or his nervous hands, his tired face, the lock of hair that falls into his eyes, the worried,

sheepish smile.

So I closed the door.

So I wouldn't hear his vain apologies and despite everything, want to run my hands through his hair, breathe in his salt and

coffee scent and taste his lips with frenzied kisses.

What if he has her kisses on his lips?

Or worse? He has been gone half the night.

I can't forgive him so quickly this time.

I could feel the silent _imsorryimsorryimsorryiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_ in the air between us, but right now that's not

enough.


End file.
